How to Offer Support and Comfort to Someone Who is Grieving

Have you ever sat with someone with who has just lost a loved one, had a cancer diagnosis, miscarriage or some other loss, and wondered what an earth am I supposed to say?

Often, they just need someone to sit and listen to their story. Not offer advice, or platitudes. After interviewing a few people, I have come up with a list of things that are unhelpful and helpful.

What not to say

1. It could be worse.

2. Maybe it's all in your head.

3. What do you think you did to cause it?

4. God must have wanted him/her in heaven

5. It must be God’s will

6. Everything happens for reason

7. What do you think God is trying to teach you?

8. Well, you've had a great life. You've done wonderful things. Now it's time to let go.

9. Maybe it happened for the best

10. God only gives you what you can handle.

11.  If you just had enough faith

12. Is there a curse in the family line?

13.  Is there any unconfessed sin or unforgiveness you are holding onto?

14. Never say at least…

well at least you had a good innings…

at least you can have another baby…

15. Refrain from platitudes, religious or otherwise, like “They are in a better place” or “Time heals all things” or “Everything happens for a reason.”

16.  Don’t pretend that you know the answer. You don’t. No one does.

17.  Have you tried? Vitamin C, immunotherapy, homeopathic remedies, drinking green juices, and experimental treatment in Mexico

Or… I have a friend who tried…

What to say

Grief needs a companion, it needs acknowledgement, don’t ignore the situation, simply acknowledge it. Often a simple, heartfelt "I'm so sorry" is the best way to express your sympathy. Or an “I’m so sorry, that’s really tough”.

When someone told a close friend of their cancer diagnosis the best response they received was “bugger” followed by a long hug. Often less words are better. It is okay to say, “I don’t know what to say” and just leave it at that.

1. I'm so glad to see you.

2. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

3. Tell me what's helpful and what's not.

4. Tell me when you want to be alone, and when you want company.

5. Tell me what to bring and when to leave.

6. How are you travelling – acknowledges it’s a journey better than how are you feeling, which can be difficult to answer.

7.     "It's OK to say, 'What can I do to help?' as long as you follow it with something like, 'I'm not just saying it, I really mean it,'" "Then suggest a few things you think might be helpful that you are actually willing to do." i.e. Picking up groceries, taking the dog for a walk, dropping off a meal or a coffee. Best thing someone did – turn up mowed their lawns and left

8. Send a text and don’t expect a response